Dating is a lot like Fantasy Football: you have to rotate your most viable options in their most favorable positions for maximum output. Put simply, you try to get the most from your roster of men. Maximum effort from your starting players + strategic placement by you, according to their statistics and performance = best results (hopefully.) All this strategizing and searching is for one thing: that elusive, consistent, dependable starting quarterback.
For those of us unfamiliar with the world of online fantasy sports, here is a quick cheat sheet to help you organize your own all-star roster. We have the illustrious Lance Mathes to thank for the creation of this seriously addictive online community in the 1980’s, but we have the majority of the men in our lives to thank for making it a cult classic. Basically, the league was born from the ashes of fiery sports feuds between athletic enthusiasts arguing the dominance of one player over another. Thus the need for a point system was established; a way to rank players based on simple performance ground rules. These ground rules morphed into league rules and became a Mecca for sports fans everywhere as well as the athlete’s they rank, who both fear and respect the fluctuating rankings. Today it is estimated that over 19 million people compete in public and private leagues online nationally. Which means that it is easier to get a guy to compete with you head-to-head in fantasy football than to ask you out on a date.
Head-to-head fantasy football is the kind I am talking about, as I believe it is the only type worth playing. It is a lot like taking your roster of men and comparing them to your friend’s; winner takes all. Before we get to that elusive victory though, we have to start where all leagues start: the draft. The fantasy draft is a lot like the NFL draft, picking up players when it is your turn, with the option to drop or trade later on. The dating draft is more like a free for all. While some “leagues” of friends honor “dibs,” usually it is every girl for herself. While drafting is key in fantasy football and requires intensive research and planning, in the dating world, there is definite strength in numbers. Statistically speaking, the more options you have, the more likely you will find that franchise player to build your strategy around.
Once you have filled your roster with a number of viable players, then comes the hard part: assessing each players strengths and weaknesses to figure out where and what their roles on your team will be. They way to do this is through observation and research, logging as many viewing hours as you can. Now, I’m not recommending you become a stalker, but recon work is a must if you want to avoid any unsuitable players. There are no scouting reports in life, so it’s up to you ladies.
After all this research, you must divide your players into “starters” and “bench” players. Whether to sit or start a player is based on several factors: past performance, expected performance, who they will be up against, what atmosphere they will be in and so on. After that, you have to divide the players into 7 generally accepted groups:
(1) Quarterback
(2) Running Backs
(3) Wide Receivers
(1) Tight End
(1) Placekicker
(1) Team defense/Special Teams
(6) Bench players
You must think carefully about what each guy on your roster brings to the table. Does he seem like a leader, someone other guys look up to? If so, then he’s a quarterback. Can he “carry” conversation even when others try to interrupt him? If so, then he is a running back. Is he capable of catching anything you throw at him and running with it? He is clearly a wide receiver then. Can he tackle difficult problems and situations, thus paving the way for you? If so, then he is definitely a tight end. When putting players into each of these designated spots, use careful consideration, because although they can be moved around after each week, you want to try and get it right the first time around. Bragging rights are worth their weight in points in any league.
The points system is a little more complicated to explain and can vary from league to league. Players on your roster earn points each week based on their performance. In fantasy football, players earn points for touchdowns, passing, rushing and receiving yards. Players can also lose points for things like turnovers and interceptions. In dating, the point system is a little more cut and dry: guys earn points for being nice and courteous and lose them for being jerks. The girl with the most points, earned by having the best and nicest guys with the most thoughtful moves wins. See, fantasy football isn’t that hard to figure out.
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