Ins and Time Outs, Ups and 4th Downs.

(Based on ESPN and BCS rankings from the past several weeks and one humble sports writer’s opinion.)

Ok girls, here is what you need to understand: Watching college football is the same as watching your favorite romantic comedy.  All the elements are there; the plays that make you laugh, that make you cry, that make you say “awwww” and that fill your heart with the longing to start a love story of your own.  All you need to do is follow the equation, namely break down each guy’s role in the movie using yourself as the girl character and then superimpose the guy with the correctly corresponding football team. It’s easy.

First, pick your favorite romantic comedy.  For me, it is He’s Just Not That Into You. 

Let’s start at the beginning; opening scene with the drop-dead gorgeous, obviously over-confident but still trying to be sweet (Ahem…Bradley Cooper).  This is Alabama. They are the clear winner, the obvious front-runner for your affection and in college football’s case you are the BCS bowl, which is the national championship game between the number one and number two ranked teams. Now this Alabama team has a lot going for them, strength, speed, the ability to pick up the check on the first date, but just because they do everything right from the get go, doesn’t mean they have the longevity to keep you happy. Also, they come with a smarmy, sleazy dad (Nick Saben) who will most likely hit on you when his son’s head is turned the other way. Ew. So even though they have a Heisman winner (think academy award for sports performance) in Mark Ingram, they are most likely not going to be the guy for you.

Every Mr. Perfect in the movies has an equally perfect best friend with less screen time that he not so secretly competes with.  This best friend is Ohio State. And Alabama and Ohio State both open car doors for you and offer you their jacket when you are cold, but will lose interest in you once there is something else to compete over, because it is never really about you; its about them.

Now, in every Rom-Com, there is the “good guy; the underdog,” the one you are rooting for, but who never seems like they will end up with the right girl. In college football this guy is Nebraska.  His southern charm combined with his strong, rippling biceps makes him a likely candidate for your affection.  Probably not right away, but after a few games you begin to take notice. Not to mention their freshman quarterback Taylor Martinez is putting up good numbers and calling all the right plays, he is even being talked about for that Heisman award I mentioned.  Don’t count out plucky Nebraska just yet.

Then we have the douchebag.  Every rom-com has one.  The guy who goes out with you for one reason only and once he gets it, never calls you again.  Or even if you don’t give him what he wants, he tells everyone you did anyway.  This guy is Oregon.  Slanderous, petty, dirty but devastatingly good at what he does.  His dad (Chip Kelly) makes Alabama’s dad look like a saint.  He will yell at his son in public, bash anyone that gets in his way and even make lewd gestures at you.  Steer clear and watch out because the only thing slicker than the quarter backs hand offs are their onside kicks.

We can’t forget about the “Bad boy.”  Rugged exterior, cuddlier on the inside.  He will pretend he doesn’t care in public, but is all whispered words and furtive, longing glances in private.  This is Boise State.  They never go anywhere without their signature “bad-boy” black, or in this case, royal blue.  They have been in several notable skirmishes, one even in the national spotlight (a fistfight of sorts with the aforementioned Oregon).  They even have the longest “winning” streak, 19 games to date, and trust me ladies, you do not want to be lucky number 20.

Lastly, we have The Nerd.  Stanford.  The team you and others often overlook due to their quite nature, their lack of trash talking and opponent bashing.  The guy you didn’t even believe could be a contender for your heart, until he up and knocked out several of the bully’s friends and classmates (other teams from the pac-10 like USC and UCLA) for you, defending your honor.  Lead by the aptly named quarterback Andrew Luck, Stanford boasts a strong O-line with wide receiver Ryan Whalen and his sure hands.  Also, Stanford has the only player in the BCS to play both offense and defense, Owen Marecic.  Stanford is the old-fashioned guy, steeped in tradition, and though his personal hero may be a goofy looking redwood tree, there is nothing more honorable than bleeding Cardinal.